I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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