I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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