i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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