woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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