weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
