my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
