they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
