I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
