New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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