You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
