After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize