i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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