Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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