i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
