How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
