sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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