My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
organizing the empties. That sober.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
