btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
