I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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