So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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