and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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