She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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