I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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