what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
