hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I cockslap morals
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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