I'm gonna have a badass scar
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't deserve a penis
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
