i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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