im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
