i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
and you fell through a lawn chair
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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