Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
