They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was like eating out sand paper
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
40s are totally the cure
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize