i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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