i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
