I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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