i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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