I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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