Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
