I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
