I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
