Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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