It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
