Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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