You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
