I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
