who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
