Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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