Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
