my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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