Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
