im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
