Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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