Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
