i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
