Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
