pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am available for nakedness
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
