i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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